I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
oh you wanna fight?!
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone