the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
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Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
#Thanos #MondayMood
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.