Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.