AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
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I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked