A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Extremely relatable.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”