20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
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#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”