Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
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I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Mornin
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.