me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”