me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.