[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.