*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
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i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops