BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS