me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
You Might Also Like
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Donating blood today to make room for more food
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore