Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
You Might Also Like
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I only treason on days ending in y
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
That’s not how days work.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.