[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
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Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel