Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.