Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
is this how new cars are made??
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.