Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone