Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
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If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?