I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
*mops up wine with cat*
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
is this a warning or an offer?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this