Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
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I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”