[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
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I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Still cracks me up
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere