i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like