My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
nice challenge
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.