I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
🤣😂🤣
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.