Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol