DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
You Might Also Like
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Noah
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities