When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
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Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
want me to check your oil?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.