I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
how was your vacation
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells