People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Single and childfree like Jesus
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation