WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time