So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
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Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Never forget.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.