Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.