My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Just how popey was the pope today?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up