My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Sooo many times…..
me logging onto twitter
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
At least try to make it slightly believable
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?