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Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Holy crap this is wonderful
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Quadruple digit IQ
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.