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I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.