it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work