At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
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“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I have questions??
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks