The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
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[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Best spot.. 😅
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.