Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
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I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
seems fine
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine