“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
One venti cheeseburger please.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I needed a laugh this morning.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.