When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
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My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
sleeping beauty
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no