Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
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When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait