An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
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“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’