ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
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4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”