Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
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Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.