I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
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I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’d love this…lol
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
When the stylist spins you back around
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW