If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Finally, an explanation.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.