Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
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If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids